Missing in action – Parting with your Passport

If you haven’t got your word, what have you got? There is a simple answer to this well known maxim: your passport, the single most important part of foreign travel in any way shape or form. You cannot leave home without it, so what happens when it isn’t there?

Some may have experienced this sensation, some may not. It isn’t pleasant. One minute this priceless piece of parchment, emblazoned with Her Majesty’s imprint, her permission to pass and, most importantly, your photo, is where you last left it; the next your identity is gone and your travel plans are in dire straights unless you fancy Butlins as an alternative.

Having established beyond doubt that your passport is nowhere at home, work, parent’s or friends’ houses, having ruled out Butlins as an option, and having traced intricately through its previous use and movements without revelation, there is still the belief that Her Majesty will save her loyal subject.

The Identity and Passport Service as it is now known was established as an Executive Agency of the Home Office on 1 April 2006. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others, a fool learns from his own. The personnel at the passport office have a sense of humour judging from the date of this latest incarnation of their services.

In the advent of broad band internet connections, your first port of call is the “I need a replacement urgently” link on http://www.passport.gov.uk/. The crux of your situation is swiftly revealed by the appearance of the following statement: “If you need to travel in less than two weeks you should make an urgent application for a new passport. Your first step should be to call our Adviceline on 0870 521 0410 and make an appointment at one of our offices.”

Personally, I had a little over four hours, and by the time I had concluded beyond doubt that my passport was indeed lost beyond hope it was 2am. Unsurprisingly the Identity and Passport Agency are unable to offer an appointment at that time within that timescale. Surprisingly, given the time in the morning, they still answer the phone.

A gentle voice greeted me and soothingly yet remorselessly informed me that the fastest possible time for obtaining a new passport is seven days after an appointment. The relevant appointment personnel would not be present to accept a booking, let alone action one, until 10am.

There is an “emergency procedure”. In the case of dire business or life and death need, applications can be fast-tracked. The bar is set high though and even if cleared the minimum time in which a passport can be produced is four hours from the time that said bar has been negotiated and photos supplied.

Exceptionally the rules it seems can be overlooked. English pop singer Dido didn’t miss out when it was discovered that a passport was missing on her whirlwind attempt to play three gigs in an afternoon for the charity spectacular, Live8. Sadly the Easyjet’s of this world have slightly more stringent regulations than their private counterparts.

Not all celebrities are so lucky or so expert in their dealings. This summer Pete Doherty missed a concert in Ibiza after losing his passport and the same reason was quoted for the cancellation of a Sugababes gig in Denmark. Spare a thought though for Naomi Campbell's former personal assistant. Amanda Brack has claimed the supermodel attacked her three times, spat in her face and threw her passport in a swimming pool. At least she knew where it was.

By Andy Sloan, author of ‘23 Sweet FAs’, whose original brief was to cover the derby between Galatasaray and Fenerbahce, in Istanbul.